Road Block! Construction Ahead. 🚧 🚧 🚧

Today's blog is totally different from the one that I expected to deliver to you...  

This week I want to share with you how a vacation caused me to travel to a place that I wasn't ready to go to…. a journey of finally showing up for myself through radical acceptance, the process of letting go of who I was thought I supposed to be and the story of my first heartbreak...

Finally! A vacation at the beach.  There I was by the sea. Contentment.  My happy place.  Finally feeling the energy of summer.  All was possible.  On vacation alone with just my husband.  It finally felt like summer time.  I was by the water- relaxing a bit, writing a bit and doing a bit of research for my next blog series.  I was exploring how to ride the waves of thoughts, feelings and emotions and working on tools to share on establishing healthy boundaries because I know it resonated with my readers and that was also really what is needed in my life currently.  It was a blog filled with gratitude for allowing me to be vulnerable to share my transformational journey and to pass along all the lessons from my teachers and my gurus to you.  My cup felt full.  Thus, came the desire to receive not just for the self alone but for the sake of sharing.  The blog I was going to write was planned out like so many of my others -  filled with little nuggets of wisdom that I had found as I explored my own journey from heartbreak to happiness. It was a pretty good happiness blog post actually.  

I was in the midst of journaling, writing and revealing my story on what I am currently doing to continue healing.  Then, I had an epiphany.  It was time to do a blog that really got to the nitty gritty of healing.  It was going to be spectacular.  I was going to lean in.  A  deep dive towards the land of forgiveness.  I began my note taking on willingness, acceptance and what it truly meant to forgive.  Yep, I was going to all those dark and scary places of feeling my feels and what it would really feel like if I really explored what it would be like to have the willingness to accept and (it still scares me to write this) forgive. Which of course,  landed me flat on my back - sick in bed with nowhere to run but to face myself!

Yep, I ended up getting sick as a dog.  I actually left my vacation early to go home. I was in bed for four days straight and it has taken the better part of a week to recover.  So, what brought on this bout of bed rest? You know how I love to say that life is happening FOR YOU so of course the first thing I did once I started to feel better was to dissect the situation.  I knew that being knocked flat on my back was to serve a higher purpose, but what was it?  I wanted to find the life lesson and transform it into a blessing.  I knew there was a message in there somewhere.

But, I am getting ahead of myself. My transformational journey began in 2012 after my mother passed away.  It was a time in my life where I felt extremely lonely.  I felt like I was the only one going through what I was going through.  I was on the lonely island of heartbreak.  Completely Heartbroken. My heart had shattered like glass.  The ache of losing a parent was wide and deep.  

Last week this deep dive coincided with my fathers birthday and the first Father’s Day I experienced since he passed away in January.   So here I was, once again, at a place of what it would be like to let go.  My relationship with my father is a complicated one. It is also tangled up with a difficult relationship with my oldest sister,   I have years of stored up hurt and anger for them both.  I had done the transformational work with my mother’s passing but here I was again at the very bottom of the deep and depressing grief hole.  I had been resisting it all year but I know from experience, suffering is just pain multiplied by resistance.  

However, I didn’t know if I was ready to go on a journey that was going to require me to take a good long hard look at myself.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go to a place where there was willingness, acceptance and forgiveness. The death of my father is a completely different heartbreak than that of my mother’s.   I am going to admit something that I am almost ashamed to admit.  In his passing, there was even some relief. I will explore that in a minute.

Willingness.  This past Sunday was the Summer Solstice.  The longest day of sunlight of the year.  We are at the halfway point.  2021 is halfway over.  I started to panic! I knew I had been shoving my grief over the death of my father back because Covid seems to be finally over,  I wanted to get my mojo back, I wanted to finally do things.  Vaccines - hurray!  I wanted to take off that mask and smile.   What I didn’t want to do is go back to the land of the heartbroken.  There was no willingness to be sad. There was no willingness to deal with death.  There was no willingness to be transformational.  Did I mention my relationship with my dad was complicated?  

But lying in bed for 4 days - I knew -  Time had run out on my willingness.  It was time to face the situation I was in.  I was at the beginning of a new journey.  There was nowhere to go but towards acceptance. I knew that the only direction was to lean into the heartache and to use what I know now but didn’t know then I could take that first step in the journey towards forgiveness…..

I want this blog to be transformative.  Look, a heartbreak is heartbreak no matter the source - loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the end of a career, an empty nest, grieving that you thought your life would look different than it currently does.  So I created Girlfriends Guru to help us all on this healing journey back to self.  I believe that we're shards of glass broken from the same vessel. It is in sifting through and looking at our own pieces of shattered glass that we seek to unify these pieces that we connect to ourselves and only then can we recognize that same light in others.

One of the things that I did while bed ridden was to listen to my podcast episode #3 - My Mountains, My Mission, and My Metamorphosis.  I love the girl I was in that episode.  I unpacked with my Girlfriend Miranda how I created my butterfly logo and set up Girlfriends Guru.  I was so optimistic, if not even just a little bit naive.  But I do love my butterfly analogy.  I invite you to listen to Girlfriends Guru Podcast Episode #3 but to recap  the messages, and I am quoting-  “You might feel like you are at the caterpillar stage - like I was. So overwhelmed and didn’t know where to go to find what you needed.  For me  - I dove head first into that “finding your purpose, finding happiness” bunny hole and there were plenty of wrong turns, one step forwards two steps back.  Many times, I was just out there in the darkness by myself with only what felt like a flashlight - actually it felt more like a candle at times - to find my way.  As I began my own transformational journey, I wished that there was someone out there that would just decode all of this for me.  Heart break in and of itself is exhausting.”  

A decade ago right after my mom passed, I didn’t know it at the time but looking back I was a mess.  I had chased after and obtained a highly successful career, then I stayed at home to raise my 2 young children and took on the role of super mom, happily married wife, good daughter and I was living the life you were always told you should aspire to have- an amazing partner, awesome friends. I lived in a beautiful place. 

I was living the life of a type A  people pleaser and I was doing what was expected of me.  Why am I telling you this? Well -----as you are suspecting,  it wasn't nearly all that it was cracked up to be. Again, my life shattered when my mom passed away.  I was burned out, I was exhausted, and stressed out all the time.  I was left depressed.  My mom, my mirror,  was gone.  I was left feeling empty. I was caught up in the hamster wheel of hustling for my worth and using exhaustion as a status symbol.  

I was so, so incredibly busy - I couldn't find a second for myself in a day. Are you there too?  Honestly, I was actually bored.  I had all these feelings rising up inside me and what was really left was me feeling really, really angry and pissed off all the time!   

Can you relate?  So, back then I was still operating very much from my childhood programming that good girls don’t wallow.  So, I put my big girl panties on and decided to  “quote unquote” work on myself. Get my MOJO back.  Find out what makes me, well me!   It was time that I looked at myself in the mirror to see my own true reflection.  

To climb out of the grief hole of my mom’s death, I started studying yoga and reading and studying and then read and studied some more. (I am an avid researcher!)  I tried everything from transcendental meditation to sensory deprivation and everything in between.  Again, it’s all these experiences, these bits and pieces on my journey inwards, that I found my own reflection again and that is what I am having so much fun sharing with you each blog post. 

This is why, if you have noticed, my posts can sometimes be a bit all over the place ranging from project declutter (outer order - inner peace) to astrology, because learning the inherent traits of other people has given me more compassion and understanding for others.  Some of  my posts were about my self care lifeboats - sound healing blog because sound healing was one of the first things I did for myself that truly gave me more compassion for myself and yoga nidra because I was so broken and exhausted that what I needed was deep and complete rest.  My blog is a share of my cocoon time.  I want to be that person there for you because my journey was so disjointed.   

Community is what I needed as I trained over the last decade going back and forth to the mountains to obtain my 500 hour teacher training certificate.  This was a time of self empowerment.  You know I am really proud to have earned my E-RYT 500 hours accreditation with yoga alliance because it has meant showing up for myself for over 500 hours of training and 2,000 hours of teaching.  I share this because for me this is where my butterfly stage came in.  I had to go outside my comfort zone.  I had to do the work.  No one could do it for me.  Finally, I was showing up for myself.  

You know my tag line by now: “if you peel back a butterfly’s wings for them, they cannot fly on their own.”  I can’t do this work for you but I promise I will be that person like I say in my tagline -  “there next to you, guiding you through your caterpillar stage to your cocoon stage and finally to your butterfly stage where you can be inspired to find your wings and fly.”  I really mean this.

Let me continue the story. For me, the transformational journey of healing through the acceptance of my mother’s death was all about a journey about radical acceptance and letting go of the illusion of who I thought I was supposed to be.  It was about gluing all those mirrored pieces of shattered glass back together and finally seeing the reflection of me.  

We are all transforming all the time.  Nothing in life stays the same or is ever really permanent.  You are either growing or in the state of collapsing.  It is hard to stay stagnant.  My post on boundaries ripped open the band aid of a wound that underneath wasn't really healed.   Researching the post on forgiveness gave me a huge pit in my stomach.  But as I say in my yoga classes - the issues are in the tissues - I can ignore this pain and it will surely show up as an imbalance in my physical, emotional and mental bodies or I can say I am ready.  (Remember suffering is just pain multiplied by resistance.)  

So, I am finally ready to say what I have tip-toed around for years. I hope you will stay with me on this journey as I share what I really wanted to share with you from the beginning of this blog… my first heartbreak... 

This is a story that was buried deep within me and only remembered until more recently….

It was “The Divorce Fight”.  My mom and dad were fighting and the splitting of the family was happening.  I was about 5ish years old.  I know I hadn’t really gone off to school yet.  My nuclear family of mother, father, and 3 sisters were my entire universe. And now my world, the 4 daughters,  were being divided into “Team Mom'' and “Team Dad.”  The decision to make me a part of Team Dad was not made by me but by my oldest sister violently grabbing me by the arm and folding me into Team Dad on one side of the room.  It was a long dark night.  I remember the pain and longing of wanting to run over to the side of the room where my other older sister, baby sister and mom were but I couldn’t move my body.  I was paralyzed.  I remember feeling like I was floating in the middle somewhere and recognized that I actually didn’t really belong in either camp.  It was desperately lonely.   I promise to share more but for now let's just say that in the light of the morning my mother stayed with my father but the family was never whole again.  

The night's impact:  I unconsciously spent  the entire first part of my life trying to prove that I deserved and was worthy to be with and with “Team Mom.” You see, I was not "seen" for "being me," for “just being Kelly” in my family.  I was not really like my mother and the fact is I was not really like my father. But Team Mom was more introverted and Team Dad was more extroverted.  I was/am outgoing so I was thrown in with Dad.  After that, I was never seen past this introvert/extrovert label.  

But here is the thing… My father and oldest sister are narcissists.  I say this not to put a negative label on them but more fully appreciate and understand their limitations with the understanding that their brain is wired in a way which lacks a certain amount of empathy, a certain inability to put themselves in someone else's shoes or to truly see other’s perspectives.   

I am still actively learning and incorporating appropriate boundaries.  Because if I am being honest, I  need to own up to my 50 % of the relationship with my oldest sister and my father.  I tried for so many years in vain for “Team Dad” to see me.  I am accepting just now that “Team Dad” has never been able to see me,  well for just  me, and that my oldest sister may never be able to see me as an adult person and not a 10 years younger baby sister.    

Yes, it is very freeing to own up to my half of the relationship. I spent an inordinate amount of energy being an empath and a reflector for my nuclear family.  Remember what we learned in the boundary post? The object of my perfection is my reflection.   My oldest sister and father for me were very much emotional vampires sucking my energy in order to get a reflection of themselves.  But I also need to own that I also mirrored for “Team Mom,'' showing them what they wanted to see, hoping that I could morph myself into their “good traits” instead of showing them who I truly was.  (I think you can guess by now that in my mind I labeled Team Mom  as good and Team Dad as bad. )

Why am I sharing all of this? I have a confession...

With my dad's death, I have spent the days oscillating between having it all together (Team Mom), to rebelling, self sabotaging and "being like my Team Dad,” a place I had always resisted going fully.  My father was larger than life, indulgent. Yep, I have been doing a little bit of rebelling.  So of course my body says “ enough is enough,” you can't keep doing this.  I was not taking care of myself with all the tools that I had learned to keep my energy in balance.  Of course, I got physically sick, but moreover,  I knew this behavior isn't really me either!  I am also just sick and tired of this old story, this heartbreak hanging around my neck. Once again, I am tired of wallowing in self pity once.  I am tired of the suffering. Again, suffering is pain multiplied by resistance.   By assuming responsibility for my half of the relationship, everything changes.  I know that I need to have a willingness to accept the pain and all the emotional separation stories that that fateful night in my childhood caused in my psyche.  

Remember in the beginning of the blog I mentioned relief with my dad’s death? In my heart, I know that that just isn’t true.  It is time once again to be vulnerable enough to let my heart break all the way. Yes, all the way wide open. To rage. To cry. To grieve. To really feel the pain, so that I can heal once more.   I am scared but I've done it once before, I know I can do it again.

I am going to explore what Kelly needs.  It is a journey to see myself.  To be the seer, the seen and do the seeing, in an honest way, taking it all in, no labels, no judgment.   Assuming responsibility for my half of every relationship that I am in.  

So, I invite you, if you have been in a place where you were living your life not as authentically as you would like, need to set some healthy boundaries, if you are on a journey to self towards willingness and want to move to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, if you are on a journey just to remember who you are, if you are at a place where you want to move from heartbreak to happiness then I hope you will subscribe and show up with me each episode.  Please go to my website, girlfriends guru.com to sign up for my bimonthly newsletter that includes lots of links to health, wellness and happiness.  

I will continue to connect through my storytelling and sharing my heartaches and heartbreaks.  This past Sunday was the summer solstice the halfway point of 2021.   How is this year going for you? I know in my heart I am ready to see myself again.  Are you? Are you ready to get your mojo back? I know I am!

Let’s continue to sort through the pieces of shattered glass and find tools for transformation and share them with one another.  You can find me most weekends now through the end of Fall teaching Yoga in the Mountains of Western North Carolina at Eagles Nest where I am leading two types of getaways - women only Seasonal Energy Retreats and Wellness Weekends meant for individuals, family and friends for a more a la cart experience on the schedule at Eagles Nest this year.  For more information visit: https://www.girlfriendsguru.com/retreats

No yoga experience necessary - This isn’t your typical yoga retreat.  It is a wellness retreat.  I use yoga as a work in and not as a work out.  There is also plenty of fun.  Sometimes we just need an adventure.  I think an adventure is just the best way to learn.  The mountains are calling…. Time to take an eagle view … Are you ready to elevate? Are you ready to tap into your inner purpose, find your inner voice and emerge deeper and more powerfully onto your path?   Dream Big!  The Universe is generous! 

Summer is all about transformation at our very heart center.  It is about unlocking our inner ability to manifest everything we want in life.  Using tools for transformation such as yoga nidra and sound healing sessions alongside guided yoga and meditation, we identify areas for growth and change, and bring the energy of fall to them and finally let go!  It is an opportunity to transform by building positive habits and using self care to explore ways in which we can create more meaningful conversations in our lives! 

Now is the perfect time to embrace the Art of Deep Relaxation.  In my retreat experiences we process at the physical and emotional level through yoga postures, breathwork, intention setting, lecture and journaling prompts all designed to Reduce Sensory Overload, Learn to Let Go of What No Longer Is Serving You and To Develop Positive Attitudes.  By letting go of who we are… we become what we might be.   

I bring forward these retreat experiences because I have found that the happiness that we all seek comes from the ability to channel our life experiences - our joys, our tears, our sweat and toil and our desires and inspirations - towards the journey and perspective of growth.    It is this mindset that we can tap into our internal wisdom and we can discover what our life's purpose and the journey is all about. 

Where are you on your journey? Do you need guidance?  Do you need someone there to help you dive deep? Do you need a tribe to connect to and keep you motivated? I hope my blog is serving you.   If you need more of an in person experience, I have a few limited slots for one-on-one mentoring and this is why I do wellness retreats.   It’s an amazing opportunity to connect back to self with the support of a community.

Let’s stay together on the butterfly path and work towards the themes of Willingness, Acceptance and Forgiveness.  Subscribe to my blog to get release alerts. I am going to keep showing up and I hope you will too because I am not asking you to tune into me as much as I am asking you to tune into yourself.   

Let's continue to find our wings and fly, connect through our storytelling and share our heartaches and heartbreaks.  Let’s continue to sort through and find tools for transformation and share them with one another.  Sending you all my love 💞 and my light✨  Until next time🦋 - Namaste friends!

Shedding Light on Boundaries and Restoring Your Personal Power

Most of us have experienced someone - whether it is a family member, friend or coworker that seems to run right through our boundaries. Do you ever question why they are in your life in the first place? I want you to be open to the concept that every person that you ever interact with comes into your life for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.

Setting boundaries can be challenging. Learning how to speak up and voice your right to be happy, safe, healthy and whole isn't always easy or comfortable. However, by exploring boundary work and the triggers that prevent us from taking charge of our lives, we learn how to transcend our fear of rejection, of upsetting others, or losing someone's love.

I'm going to get real honest here. The reason it hurts so deeply is that you either love them or believe the story that you should love them. Or, that someone you love loves them and wants you to be a part of a group relationship. However, the honest truth is that somewhere, somehow there is a disconnect. There is an imbalance between the giving and receiving in the relationship which leaves us feeling depleted when we are giving more than we receive.

How do we restore this imbalance? How do we get to the place of witnessing that this person came into your life to help you reveal the light within you?

I'm going to share with you some things that I've learned along the transformational journey to help you create healthy boundaries in all of your relationships and restore your personal power.

I just recently celebrated a big birthday (the Big 5-0), and it really touched my heart how many people reached out via text phone calls, social media, dropping by, sending flowers, etc… I am sharing this with you because it really reminded me of a poem that I have that I want to share with you. It’s an poem by Lois A. Cheney called Bits and Pieces.

People. People important to you. People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on. There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, and wonder why you ever came in contact with them. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.

Children leave parents. Friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think of the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look at those present and wonder.

I believe in God’s master plan in lives. He moves people in and out of each others’ lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who ever touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

Pray God that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question, and never regret.


It’s a pretty special poem, don’t you think? I originally found it when I was transitioning from high school to college and then I put it away for a long time. Life got busy and I wasn't in the mode of reflecting, but then my birthday with all those Facebook reach outs from every stage of my life got me a bit nostalgic. I have been thinking about all the relationships in my life and I do believe that everyone that comes into your life is there for a reason and helps you reveal The Light Within.

This is an easy concept to grasp when the person that you encounter leaves your heart feeling just a little bit lighter and a little bit more joyful - just like all those people that reached out to wish me happy birthday. However, it's much harder when the other leaves you heartbroken. And that heartbreak can be anything from mildly irritating to a tumultuous relationship that lasts months, years, or hell maybe it's been throughout your lifetime.

How do we restore this imbalance? How do we get to the place of witnessing that this person came into your life to help you reveal the light within you?
I'm going to share with you some things that I've learned along the transformational journey to help you create healthy boundaries in all of your relationships and restore your personal power.

First, if you know you could be setting better boundaries in your life, but you’re not doing it, the first step to making a change is to understand the WHY behind your actions.

Boundary setting is a learned skill set. How could you possibly know how to do it if no one ever taught you? So many of us were directly and/or indirectly taught NOT to have healthy boundaries. Many, many people, women in particular, were raised and praised for self-abandoning, codependent behaviors.

If you think back to your experiences and unconscious stories growing up, did you get positive feedback for things like doing more than your share, self-sacrificing, or being “nice” no matter how you may have felt? Many of us received praise for being easy-going, for being seen and not heard, for being agreeable, smile! I know it because I've lived through it my friend!

What kind of behavior was modeled for you? What did you learn about what it means to be a good person, a good worker, a good partner or a good parent? Did it mean bending over backward for other people, never asking for help and did it mean putting yourself on the back burner to care for those around you?

I am asking all these questions because we must first bring it to our consciousness before we can start the process of unlearning. For most of us, the women who were teaching us all these misconceptions were themselves handed down the same party line. My mother was from a “seen but not heard” generation. Without bringing any judgement, but our mothers, our mentors or teachers were doing the best they could with the wisdom that they knew at the time. Again, some of this is generational but also I want to point out some of it is our hard-wiring programming. For a mother, it is programmed to want your child to not only survive but thrive.

The opposite of that is fear of rejection. We are hard wired to want to be in a tribe. It is primal. Separation from the pack historically might have very well meant death. Fear of being ostracized is a mistake some mothers make, and often they try to make fitting in so stressful, constantly making suggestions, whether the child needs it or not, thus, setting everyone up for codependency or to become people pleasers.

Codependency is a desire to control the feeling states, outcomes, and choices of the people in our lives. To do this, a codependent person can make themselves indispensable to the people around them so they “can’t be” rejected.

Codependency is a legitimate factor in why women, in particular, have such a challenge in creating healthy boundaries. We have to reveal what rejection really means to ourselves. It wasn't easy, but I had to learn to recognize the moments in which I was just saying yes to go along to get along because I didn’t want to jeopardize my social standing or my relationship with someone that I cared about. I had to overcome a fear of rejection in order to create healthy boundaries.

Again, people pleasing is a trait we inherited from our childhood, when we were conditioned to believe that it was selfish to put our needs first, and we were made to feel guilty or shamed. And it is this shame that in turn leads to behaviors of codependency so that we do not have to face the fear or hurt of rejection. But you know how this story ends, you can only be in people pleasing for so long until the energy exchange is so draining and you can only neglect your own self care for so long until resentment builds and in many cases explodes in conflict with that person that you ultimately or originally wanted connection with.

I am saying all this because I have lived through it. Being a People Pleaser was a trait I inherited from childhood. I was conditioned to believe it was selfish to put my needs first and I was made to feel guilty about that. Ashamed was what I felt when I acted in a way that was more like my father than the traits of my mother. I feared my mother’s rejection. It placed me in a people pleasing pattern that I left unchecked for many years. It led me to a pattern of over giving without boundaries, building up resentment until I snapped and was gasping for self-care to restore balance.

I am going to be brutally honest. It is a pattern that I learned from my mother and passed to my own children - especially my daughter. I myself am learning - very imperfectly I might add - that as my daughter moves into adulthood I need to learn how to step back and allow her to live her life. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t love her with all my heart. I have been drinking out of a mug that I gave her that she left behind when she went to college. It has a momma and baby owl on it and it says “Owl always love you”. It makes my heart smile when I drink from it each morning. I miss her so much but I also know it is time for her to find her wings to fly. I just hope she remembers to fly home every once in a while.

I am not trying to make our mother/daughter relationship sound like a Hallmark special. I promise I made mistakes; I didn’t do boundaries very well when my children were little. I was an over giver, I made sure everyone else had what they needed and I had very ingrained behavior and belief system based on what it meant to be a wife, a mother, a friend. These belief systems limited my ability to put healthy boundaries in place. I unconsciously repeated patterns. But I am thankful for my waking up moment and I am guessing if you are listening you are ready for change too.

The truth is those who truly love you care about what you want. I will say that again, those who truly love you care about what you want.

I am going to move the conversation from codependency to those who have a narcissist in their life. So, here is my story… I was raised with traditional gender roles and I was socialized to be the connector between my mother and father and the connector between my older and younger siblings. Being the “middle child” came at the expense of my own mental, physical and spiritual health. By constantly being the reflector, it actually blocked me from being authentically generous and kind.

What do I mean by reflector? OK - Here is the deep dive on narcissism. Narcissist - The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. The object of my affection is my reflection. A narcissist can only fully see themselves by drawing you in. They see themselves through your energy that you give to them.

Do you have a narcissist in your life? Are you not sure if you have a narcissist in your life? Let me ask you these questions: Does your boss constantly blame you for things you didn't do? Do you isolate yourself from friends and family to avoid conflict at home? Do you feel anxious when you see a certain "friend's" name on your cell phone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you, my friend, most likely have a narcissist in your life.

I'm going to suggest a book that I read that really helped me unpack this entire concept because I could digress on this topic for the next five posts (and who knows maybe I will) but if you are struggling with a narcissistic relationship download or pick up the book “The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists” by relationship expert Rokelle Lerner.

Lerner tackles the inner workings of narcissism and offers compassionate and realistic advice for surviving a relationship with those afflicted with this personality disorder. A narcissist can make life exhilarating and exciting one minute, and sheer hell the next. A narcissist has no qualms about taking another's energy to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. Mind you, they are not inherently evil, but unfortunately their wounds compel them to act in ways that are sometimes unconscionable, damaging, and ultimately I think it is all quite tragic. Boundaries are imperative when dealing with a narcissist otherwise it is truly one of the most toxic energy exchanges.

So, whether it’s a mother-in-law, friend, coworker or boss, sometimes it's impossible to avoid narcissists - cutting them out of your life and running to the hills is not practical. They are going to be part of your story. So, instead of being miserable or taken advantage of, pick up this book - The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection - because the author not only shares insights on the dynamics and complexity behind the personality disorder of Narcissism but offers several coping tools to navigate through this type of relationship such as learning to see narcissists as they see themselves and creating defense factors to ward them off.

Remember, to first understand boundaries, we have to uncover the Why? For Narcissists, they suffer from a personality disorder that began in the early stages of childhood. They are stuck in an early development stage where there is tremendous self-interest, excessive self-absorption, and extreme entitlement. Their behavior is a consequence of early childhood abandonment and abuse. I am not excusing it. I am just shedding light on it because it is totally on my heart to reveal the heartbreak from being in a relationship with a narcissist. It is important to understand why narcissists do the things they do and only then can you consciously set boundaries to protect yourself from their intimidation and manipulations.

Once you stop denying the impact they have on you, your healing can begin.

Don’t beat yourself up. Narcissists are disarming, manipulative, and mesmerizing by nature. It took me way too many years to properly see these relationships with the proper lenses but finally all the crap that I had been put through made sense. Again, I bring up the book The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection. It was a hard book to read because the author is brutally honest towards the most-likely-codependent partner (in other words me) that allowed the narcissist to beat them down. However, the good news is you can learn to manage the narcissistic people in your life. It is imperative to set appropriate boundaries in these situations. Your soul is asking you to tap back into your spirit, be solid in your purpose and regain a sense of control in your life.

Are you still with me? I bring up codependency and narcissism because they are the outliers but I want everyone listening to be able to maintain balance in all of their relationships. I so want you to have relationships that are balanced. Balance based on mutual love, not one-sided giving! You are worth it. Again, the truth is, those who truly love you care about what you want.

I know today’s topic is hard but I think you are still here it is because you are ready to get out of your comfort zone. You can do this. It is time to change up the dance of your relationship even if asserting yourself can feel a little daunting. But I promise you, healthy boundaries set you free to be heard, to be seen and to truly be known. Boundaries are scary because they require you to be in charge of your own happiness. Hang in there, we are on this journey together and I will help you continue to balance your desire to lead with a willingness to collaborate with ease and grace. But if you are going to become a Boundary Boss, no one is going to do it for you. You have to assert yourself in your relationships. Nothing changes until you do. The most important thing happening right now is you are raising your awareness of how you are relating to boundaries right now. That my friend, is real growth.

Having healthy boundaries means knowing your preferences, your deal breakers, your desires and then having the ability to clearly express them in your life and within all of your relationships.

I am not going to lie. These boundary myths we were programmed with are powerful. I don’t know how many times I heard from my mother, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”… sound familiar? Think about all the sayings, stories and stereotypes out there around how women should and shouldn’t act. Many of us have been conditioned to believe in order to be good women, everything should be OK. We should be fine. If we’re assertive, we’re demanding. If we ask for what we want, we are a diva. If we set a limit, we are labeled a bitch. If we talk about our feelings, we are a drama queen or being dramatic. But just by this conversation, by bringing some of the dark shame stories to the surface we know the light that is revealed when we illuminate and remind ourselves how antiquated and how outdated these stories really are. In your heart you can feel it. I know that you can see how counterproductive this thinking is. So now is the time to blow up these myths and move into a growth mindset.

What we all need and what we all deserve is the ability to self-express. To stand in our personal truths come to a place of recognition that isn’t from someone else’s POV- not society, not your family, partner or friends- but a deep recognition of ourselves. Know your value, know your worth. Where in your body does self-love live today? Lasting change is real and it all starts with you.

Again, every single person that is in your life is there to help you reveal the light that is within. Can you get to a point where you have gratitude for these relationships? At the beginning of this post, I reflected on my birthday and the many well wishes from all the stages of my life. I am incredibly grateful for all the footprints each and every one of those who reached out to me. Think about the candles on a birthday cake. There is a reason we turn off the lights as the birthday song begins. If you hold out a birthday candle in a well-lit room it only reveals so much light however flip that switch. In the darkness, only a few candles seem to illuminate the entire room.

Even if it's not your birthday, close your eyes with me for a moment. What is your birthday wish for this year? I invite you to make a wish to heal a relationship that has brought you that has hurt you because I want you to heal my friend because there's so much light within you to share with this world.

It is a process but I am finally at a place where I am thankful for the narcissistic relationships that I had in my early childhood because they taught me how to perfect being a reflector and it’s my ability to reflect that has made me a better friend and a better healer. I say this directly to you, my friend - if you could see how perfect you are in my eyes I just want to wholeheartedly reflect that wholeness back to you. As Brene Brown would say, you are worthy and deserving of wholehearted living.

Pull out your journals, start writing. Use my videos and meditations that you can find on my website GirlfriendsGuru.com so that you can pay attention to your body and your feelings. Trust that inner wisdom that starts to emerge as you begin to ask yourself - What are my priorities? What is being neglected in my life? What do I need to nourish myself? A lot of people get confused that boundary work is just about saying no. I like to flip that phrase. Instead of the word no, can you use the verbiage of communicating where you want to say yes. But you have to know what you want, to communicate what you want. Use my podcasts to help you discover what matters to you and only then can you learn how to properly articulate those needs to someone else.

Are you ready to look deeply into some of these relationships with care and honesty? All the meditations that I have been sprinkling throughout this past season are designed to help bring you mindfulness and help you build self-awareness so that you can identify where in your life you need boundaries. I am in this with you. This is deep healing so have some compassion for yourself - I am confident that you can do it.

Set your own personal boundaries; write them down in your journal. Keep the language clear and simple. This communication is for you first. The hope is for you to see self-improvement through the work you do with self-boundaries. Where and what do you want to say yes to? Once you have fully honored and embraced all the emotions, only then can you sort out the habits and emotions you want to change. Remember, we can never change the Other. Quit trying to fix the relationship by trying to fix the other person. The only person that can change is you and how you respond. If you can stay with where you want to say yes and where you want to say no magic happens. I promise that by transforming your relationship with yourself you will transform your relationships with others in a way that you can authentically step into a life you were born to live!